Health & Sex How to Rekindle the Spark in Your Relationship

Health & Sex

How to Rekindle the Spark in Your Relationship

The honeymoon may be over, but that doesn’t have to mean the end of romance. Go on, break out of your relationship rut, reconnect with your partner, and fire up the passion that brought you together in the first place.

Focus on the positive.

Remember those fabulous qualities you noticed in your partner when you started dating? Time and stress may have brought their less-favorable traits into sharper focus, But their good qualities are probably still there.

Fixating on the negatives wouldn't have worked in the beginning and it doesn't work now. "In marriage, it's easy to freeze your partner into a fixed perception. Get out of that,"

Do something crazy (or new).

One study found that couples who did novel and arousing things together felt better about their relationships than those who stuck with routine, mundane activities.

"It's amazing what getting out of your normal routine and pushing your comfort boundaries will do for your love life,"

The trick is to pick something fun and exciting, not just pleasant. Ride a roller coaster. Visit a far-flung destination.

"When you're physically competing and experiencing new things together, those dopamine levels soar, which replicates those early butterflies and gets you excited," she says. Try one-on-one activities like tennis, racquetball, skiing, hiking, or fishing.

Touch.

"So many couples hold back kissing, touching, or holding each other until they have time or the desire to have sex," But that's a mistake. Researchers have found that affectionate touch boosts the body's feel-good hormones.

Hug your partner. Hold hands. Be playful with touch.

"Whisper sweet and adoring things into your partner's ear. Brush against him in a sexually seductive way," says Meyers. "Affection is a way to make love all day outside of the bedroom."

Having fun during sex, instead of doing it for obligation's sake, can stoke the fires of your relationship. "Sex is the playground of a marriage," says Campbell. "Fun doesn't have to mean you have to engage in sexual acrobatics; it just means have fun."

Talk.

Do you spend a lot of time trying read your partner’s mind? Limit the guess-work by being open and honest; it can bring you closer. "Ask your partner what he or she needs from you. Take turns. The goal is to show more and see more of each other, rather than defend the status quo," says Meyers. The rewards run deep. Great conversation often leads to more open, loving sex, she says.

Every discussion doesn't have to be serious. Light-heated laughter goes a long way in lifting your spirits and reconnecting. Have fun. Crack a joke. Revel in the humor of a situation together. "There is nothing sexier than a smile and a happy partner," says Campbell.

Focus on you.

What fuels your passion? Maybe it's having an exciting career or training for a half marathon. No matter -- just get out and do it. When you love yourself and your life, you bring more energy and interest into your relationship.

"Independence and a sense of purpose are sexy," explains Campbell. When you take care of your own needs and pursue what you're passionate about, you become less predictable and more interesting to your partner.

It's a win-win situation. You'll be more confident and peaceful as you keep evolving, and your relationship will thrive.

Use your history.

Remember those things you did when you were romancing your new love? Make a list and do them again now, suggests Paul N. Weinberg. He is the co-author of The I Factor: Simple Insights for Connecting in Your Personal Relationships. "It could be as simple as a way you kissed your partner on the cheek or as elaborate as the effort you put into a special date."

Identify your relationship's strengths, then build on them, husband-and-wife founders of the Centre for Relationship Development in Seattle. Know what works well in your relationship and do more of it.

Finally, dream big. Envision a future together than inspires you. Maybe it's a home bustling with a big family or vacations to new, exotic places. Whatever your dream, you can create a plan now to start making it happen

Turn Mediocre Sex into Great Sex

How to bring back the heat and get what you want in bed.

The lights are low. A fire smoulders in the fireplace. Two wineglasses sit, half empty, on the nightstand. Your clothes lie in a heap on the floor. You reach for each other. The two of you tumble to the bed, and...Blah.

No explosions of passion. No breathy proclamations of desire. No tumultuous climax. Then you wonder: How can everyone in movies and romance novels be having fiery, combustible sex when you and your partner barely create a spark?

How to Get Your Wife to Have Sex With You,  "TV shows and movies give us this very skewed representation of what sex is supposed to be like.  Everyone seems to be climaxing and having orgasms all the time from whatever they're doing. When you grow up on a diet of that, and when your real life doesn't match, you think, 'There's something wrong with me,' or, 'There's something wrong with my partner.'"

Real-life sex can almost never measure up to the passion portrayed on the screen,. "People don't talk about the fact that it's likely that in an odd position you'll pass gas or the love of your life will take you in his arms and have"bad breath.

Sex in the real world isn't perfect, and it doesn't always end with an earth-shattering climax -- but it doesn't have to,. "Good sex doesn't necessarily have to be about an orgasm. It can just be an emotionally fulfilling experience between partners."

Getting What You Want in Bed

Even when everything else in the relationship is working, sexual styles aren't always compatible. You like long foreplay sessions. Your partner is ready to go in an instant. You long for wet, sensual kisses. He prefers dry, chaste pecks. "Sex is not just naturally perfect,". "There is the energy of a new relationship that is positive -- the excitement and the eagerness and the passion. And the negative is that you bump noses or knees because you just haven't learned how to dance together.

But even long-term couples can struggle in the bedroom. Though we can easily tell our partner what shirt we'd like him to wear, or what we'd like to cook together for dinner, we tend to get tongue-tied when it comes to the topic of sex.

"People tend to be very sensitive when it comes to talking about sex "They're afraid of hurting their partner's feelings, so they don't tell them what they like or don't like. But you're not going to get it unless you ask for it."

So how do you tell your partner what you want without bruising his or her ego? "I think it's really in how you bring up the statement,". "'I would love it if we...' or, 'Could we try this?' You don't want to make them feel bad about what they've done or haven't done."

You can have the conversation whenever and wherever it's most comfortable for you. But before you talk, you need to know exactly what it is about your sex life that bothers you. Is it a question of technique? Personal hygiene? Timing? "Once you know what isn't working for you," "there are things you can suggest that can mitigate those circumstances."

For example, if something about your partner's smell is turning you off, suggest taking a bath together before making love. If you crave more foreplay, ask for slower segues into sex.

Before you can tell your partner what you want him or her to do in bed, you need to know what you like. "I think especially for women, they've got to explore their own bodies," "You have to masturbate. Get a vibrator. Get some books. Teach yourself how to orgasm."

When It's Just Not Working

After you've tried talking and the sex still isn't working, what then?

"Learn to get to know each others bodies."

Try some sex aids. Read books with pictures (such as The Joy of Sex), or watch an educational video together, Not porn, but explicit videos in which a voice-over explains what's happening in the scenes

Sometimes, the problem is a physical one, such as premature ejaculation . Or it may be that the stress from your job is bleeding over into the bedroom and disrupting your sex life. In those cases it can help to see a sex therapist. "We unravel why you two are not getting along," "And then we try to remedy that."

If you're still unsatisfied, is it ever OK to fake it in bed?

"If you're faking it, you're doing yourself a disservice because you're not learning what really turns you on,". "I think eventually, it takes a toll. Your partner's going to realize that you're disconnected."

Can sex ever be bad enough to consider ending a relationship over? Possibly. "You might really love somebody and the sex is never going to be better than OK. You have to decide whether you can live with that,"

Whenever you're considering a breakup or divorce , you need to weigh every element of the relationship and not just the sex. "You can't have everything in life," "If you have a wonderful relationship and you love each other and you have kids but the sex isn't great, maybe you can live with that."

Every couple has the potential to have good sex if you’re willing to put a little effort into it. "If you're two emotionally and physically healthy people, you should be able to work with what you've got. Not everybody needs to be hanging off the chandelier,". "You can get better. But you have to practice, and you have to be open to discussing it and getting help when you need it."